Why she's not going to church anymore
A victim of abuse who was mistreated within a religious setting as a young adult, Elizabeth Esther fesses up: she's tried church as an adult, and the healing just isn't there.
Yesterday, the Presbyterian pastor at the church we attend as a family described the Holy Spirit as a “violent, invading force” which cannot be “domesticated, organized or tamed.” He likened the work of the Holy Spirit to the wild, fire-whipping Santa Ana winds we experience here in Southern California.Violent. Invading.
I felt a wave of nausea sweep over me and my pulse sky-rocketed. I thought I might faint. Panic blurred my vision. But I couldn’t escape because I was seated mid-pew. I tapped my husband and when he looked at my anguished face, I mouthed the words: Violent. Invading.
Later, coming from that rare place of brutal honesty:
For eight years I’ve held out hope that I could “move on” and one day I’d find a pastor I could trust. Now I’m coming to the conclusion that the problem is not any church, any pastor or any small group. The problem lives inside me. I’m so utterly broken, so completely mistrusting, suspicious, jumpy and scared that even if Jesus was the pastor, I’d probably still have issues.
Read it and then come back here and tell us what you think.
I hope Elizabeth Esther hangs on. Another victim of abuse felt himself too badly damaged to continue. It is very sad when people feel themselves so isolated that sympathy or understanding can't touch them. It seems to me that, as much as the experience itself, it's the accompanying shame and sense of betrayal that do the damage. Life offers many painful and unpleasant experiences -- why is it the sexual ones that linger in memory and corrode? These are things mark one as different, degraded, even if an innocent victim -- even the label "victim" stigmatizes. Things that can't be talked about and integrated into one's experience fester and build up explosive charges. We ought to be able to be open about sexual matters nowadays, but the topic is still corrupted by shame, misplaced guilt, and abuse of power. Church too often is an arena of power -- a reminder to many of us of past abuses. Reach out to others if you can. But your sympathy may be no comfort. We never know how another may feel, and most of us are a lot more various inside than the conventional faces we present to the world. "Victim" and would-be consoler alike, we can only do our best.
Posted by Murdoch Matthew![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.episcopalcafe.com/lead/nav-commenters.gif)
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January 9, 2011 7:38 PM
Good for her to recognize where she is in her healing. Sounds like she has a supportive husband - and hopefully friends. Church is a dangerous place for many - I can understand why she cannot go there. Perhaps another spiritual path might work for her - but too much of church has the violent imagery that does not help healing. She should not blame herself for not being able to attend a church - just take care of herself
Posted by Ann Fontaine![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.episcopalcafe.com/lead/nav-commenters.gif)
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January 9, 2011 8:00 PM
May I recommend Serene Jones' book Trauma and Grace: Theology in a Ruptured World. She spoke at my church recently and challenged us to think about how the church can be a place for healing people who have experienced trauma without denying the violence that is woven into our story. I've been thinking about it ever since.
Read about it here:
http://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Grace-Theology-Ruptured-World/dp/0664234100
Penny Nash
Posted by Penelopepiscopal![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.episcopalcafe.com/lead/nav-commenters.gif)
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January 9, 2011 8:59 PM
I can't help but be curious if she's ever tried having a woman as her pastor? [Assuming she was abused by a man/men, I would think it couldn't hurt to try?]
JC Fisher
Posted by tgflux![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.episcopalcafe.com/lead/nav-commenters.gif)
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January 9, 2011 11:35 PM
It's also a good lesson for pastors that those in their congregations might be easily triggered by representations of God as a "violent" force that "invades" people, and they would do well to be sensitive to those in their flocks who have been victimized.
Posted by Travis Trott![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.episcopalcafe.com/lead/nav-commenters.gif)
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January 10, 2011 1:34 PM