Difficult to give a conclusive answer to this question. There are so many varied cultural considerations. There are sometimes particular circumstances surrounding the death that may need to be taken into consideration. However, with the support of my parish, I do not permit non-clergy eulogies in church. For one thing, there is the small risk that the eulogist will be a player in family conflict, and the eulogy hands them a bully pulpit. An event that is designed to pull people together in a reasonably safe pastoral context then becomes instead an arena for family conflict. There is also the possibility that the local "new age" toastmaster will use the opportunity to speak in contradiction to the basic principles of Christian hope. In our parish, I invite family members to contribute their reflections. These are then identified as such in the homily and woven into the same. There is opportunity after at the reception, if there is one, for multiple speakers if the family wish such. Having said that, the norm in our diocese is for one or more family members to offer "words of remembrance" at the very start of the liturgy --sometimes these are vetted by the celebrant before hand. The cumulative experience, I gather, is uneven.

I think it's perfectly fair for a parish or priest to set a maximum number of eulogies. It's impossible to control what people will say. Our Vicar has eulogies near the beginning of the service so that he can soften anything that needs softening.

Our tradition has been to allow a time for remembrance by family and friends. Seems to work.
As a layperson, I wonder what affect hard and fast rules have on families in situations where the deceased is the member of the congregation, and the family is at the church adhering to final requests.
Aren't those chances to bring the family closer to the church, rather than push them away--with my way or the highway?

Don Burr

It's always a bad idea. I try to redirect it. The rubrics don't really permit it and for good reason. I often spell out those reasons, and it usually suffices: (1) anyone close enough to really want to speak may need to space and permission to grieve and (2) people can say things that are highly inappropriate and divisive and (3) the purpose of the funeral is to comfort one another in the context of resurrection hopeIf people push hard, I suggest we do some sharing at calling hours or a reception.

In my 20 years of ordained ministry I have only done few burial services that did not have eulogies. I prefer three or less. Personally I like them. I have never had anybody say anything inappropriate. I've only had a few instances where people have preached rather than eulogized. I have the eulogies before the sermon which allows me to tie themes that come up into my sermon. I think they make the service more incarnational - the message of the person's resurrected life is connected with the life they lived.

Twelve-year-old granddaughter asked to play the piano as her tribute to her grandmother. The song? Begin the Beguine. The child had learned it because it was her grandmother's favorite song. Totally secular, but I said yes. The girl played. The church was silent, full, and completely awestruck.

Best. Eulogy. Ever.

Wow. You Hammer-of-Orthodoxy types: glad my mother didn't die a member of your parish! [FWIW, I didn't speak. My brother did. He's Jewish, but I didn't hear anything contradictory to Episcopal doctrine in it.]

JC Fisher

Why hard&fast RULES? Why not some intuition involved? Not to mention compassion? (Limiting the # of eulogies seems perfectly reasonable)

I allow up to 15 mins of "family reflections. I also put a 1/2 page "Forget me not" card in every bulletin and invite people to write of a special time with the beloved and give it to the family at the reception. That way everyone participates but not everyone speaks. If they really want to speak I set up a mic at the reception and they quickly discover that no one really wants to listen.

I have done on average a funeral a month for almost 25 years. Had I just out out and open mic, heck I'd have my 30 in already!

I allow up to 15 mins of "family reflections. I also put a 1/2 page "Forget me not" card in every bulletin and invite people to write of a special time with the beloved and give it to the family at the reception. That way everyone participates but not everyone speaks. If they really want to speak I set up a mic at the reception and they quickly discover that no one really wants to listen.

I have done on average a funeral a month for almost 25 years. Had I just put out an open mic, heck I'd have my 30 in already!

When I did my brother's service last summer - we had 3 from his life and 1 from his kids. I told the life people they had 3 minutes and had to be written out. The kids got 5 but did not use it all. I always say you must write it out. Prevents wandering (as people often do when in grief) and if they break down I can finish it for them. We had music and readings in between to break it up -- I did a short summary - good news in Christ (also had it written out and still almost lost it). The ritual is a container for the goodbyes. Others can talk at the reception. Open mic - never. One bad experience where the widow wondered who it was that the person was talking about - on and on until I had to intervene when the person took a breath and say thank you for sharing.
A funny story from Bp Tutu -- he said a widow and her children were listening to the priest talk about the deceased in such glowing terms that she grabbed the children and walked out saying - we must be at the wrong funeral!

Best book on Funereal Orations is Gary Wills' "Lincoln at Gettysburg" A fine minimalist book.

Eulogies are like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates: you never know what you are going to get.

Many of us may have experienced the kind of emotional (and ritual) free-for-all that can develop when preachers ask the congregation to free-form tell stories. I think this is why we have wakes and receptions. We want people to tell the story but in the right place and in a useful way.

As Ann described above, I ask people to write them out and give them a time limit. I remind them that the only way to know how long it takes is to read it out loud and have someone time you...which, if they do it, means that they practice ahead of time. I limit the number to three or four, but I want to know a little about the relationship to the family.

I have learned that my fellow Boomers can be pretty pushy and headstrong and like to invent the ritual all over again, so it is important to spend time on "what works" as much as on "what do you want."

Whatever happens, if there are eulogies, I make them part of the entrance rite: after the body has been brought and/or the people have gathered but before the opening Collect. These are not "responses to the word" in my view, but responses to the death. It is what people bring in the door...the liturgy, if it has done its job (and it usually does)...will allow them to leave with greater meaning and feeling comforted.

I allow a significant silence or sometimes music to make a mental break between these opening words and the liturgy itself.

The utility in the process is for the mourner: it both expresses and models the telling of the story of deceased and bereaved, which is central to healthy mourning. It allows the liturgy to work and frame the meaning of the persons life for them. As to strange or sentimental notions of death and the afterlife. Will these occur? Yup. But people have these anyway. I want to allow those to be contrasted with the message of hope in the liturgy (and I hope the sermon) itself.

The pastoral task is partly to help the bereaved make meaning out of their loss. I think this approach of allowing the eulogy it's place...but not to let it become the dominant focus...of the ritual moment is appropriate.

As a newer priest, I find myself doing funerals for people I don't know all that well. So having a couple of family and/or friends speak to the person's life and character is very helpful and I feel more authentic. It also frees me up to relay the pastoral theology of the resurrection.

I appreciate the other ideas conveyed here as well.

Blessings,
Paul

Paul - please add your last name next time you post. ~ed.

I encourage eulogies. The purpose of a good funeral is to remember the one who has died and to refocus our eyes from the individual and our context of loss, to the new context --our loved one hid with Christ in God. So, it works well if eulogies open the service, and we refine our focus from there to the glory of God.

Meg Matters

Ticklish subject. Many good and pastoral points on both sides. In 33 years of parish ministry I always opted for a spokesperson selected by the family to offer eulogy/remembrance/whatever. I always placed this immediately before the beginning of the liturgy proper, inviting the spokesperson forward on behalf of the family.

Alternatively, if/when there is a reception following in the parish hall, I encouraged remembrances there - as many as the family wished.

These two options seemed reasonable to all involved.

When planning funerals I explain up front the context and purpose of the Burial Rite to the family. I also counsel that eulogies can be particulary helpful in comforting one another when done after the funeral at a dinner or reception when the family and friends are not under so much public stress. Let's face it. Funerals are stressful.

In at least one case, one family realized they really didn't want a "church service" so much as they wanted a memorial service.

While I encourage using the Burial Rite from BCP or alternatives from EOW, there are times when for pastoral reasons you need to go with something else where eulogies can be incorporated effectively.

Terry Pannell+
St Mary of the Harbor
PTown

I am AMAZED that not any of these comments mentions the words "Jesus" or "Resurrection."

The reason that "eulogies" should not be allowed in a Burial service is because that is not what a burial service is. It is not a "service of remembrance" but a celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

The burial liturgy is not about Grandma and how wonderful she was; it is about how Grandma was a sinner, joyfully raised by Jesus to a new life of grace.

The Rev. Jeff W. Fisher
St. Alban's, Waco

Through most of my ministry I limited eulogies to the wake (usually at the undertaker's) the evening before the funeral and have heard many wonderful testimonials about how the honored guest's life was touched by God and lived out in faith.

If I know the deceased, I try in the homily to weave their story into the Jesus story. Now, doing supply work, I often know little about the person so will ask one family member to make some comments before the sermon. After all this is about the deceased and the burial liturgy and eucharist put all into the context of Jesus and the Resurrection.

I think that one thing I find disturbingly missing from all of these posts is the realization that persons attending funerals may not necessarily be Episcopalians or even Christians. Yet these persons may be suffering and in pain just as much as persons who are "of the faith."
I agree that there is a need for a liturgical expression of faith as we understand it. I also think that we should consider our obligation to comfort those who mourn as part of our expression as the body of Christ in the world, not just for Christians but the whole world. Allowing Eulogies may be off the high-church interpretation of the rubrics, but can be a meaningful experience for the mourners just the same, particularly those for home traditional religious expression does not have a receptive ear. Perhaps a little less "control" and a little more compassion?

"I want to thank the padre for having me speak at today's service for my friend John. We've known each other since diesel boat days. He was a busy guy and so didn't have much time to get to services. John thought that the golden rule " do unto others" was the best religion a man could have. I know he wouldn't mind the service being here today. John and I would get together every boxing day for a Scotch or two. He always remarked how much he liked the music at the Christmas services. ... Diving in the Caribbean was John's passion. He always said that in the next life he wanted to come back as a Dolphin. I'm sure if there is a big guy up there somewhere he will give John his wish. Have a good thought for John next time you swim with the Dolphins. Hell, maybe one of them will be old Johnny himself."

There have been a number of Facebook comments on this post as well -- some not like the range of views represented here.

https://www.facebook.com/notes/the-episcopal-cafe/whats-your-verdict-on-funeral-eulogies/10150491639590290

Jeff+,

I'm pretty sure I mentioned it, and I echo your sentiment entirely. It's a liturgy grounded in the death and resurrection of Jesus.

I'm certainly willing to work with the family, but the integrity of the liturgy, which offers the Christian hope in Jesus to the assembled congregation, is a key concern of mine as I do so. Our burial office is beautiful and a means of evangelization.