That's okay, Rowan, we won't forgive you too easily.

Please sign your name next time Episcopalbrother ~ed.

He's right. Facile, flippant forgiveness much like "cheap grace" does no one any good, victim ... nor perpetrator.

The ABC's words "...because if forgiveness is easy it is as if the suffering doesn’t really matter" anger me. 1) Forgiveness, true forgiveness, is NEVER easy. It's an ongoing act. 2) Forgiving or not forgiving changes NOTHING about whether or not a person has been victimized. 3) Forgiving DOES NOT lessen the pain of being victimized...it's just one less rock to carry. 4) Forgiveness is about the victimized, not the perpetrator. More words from the ABC: (He) concedes that it is not fair to expect victims of abuse, rape or torture to turn the other cheek with ease. My interpretation of Turn The Other Cheek, not necessarily the church's: Do not seek retaliation.

My thoughts about forgiveness and turning the other cheek are found in Walter Wink's 3rd Way. I agree Lory - it is very hard. The first step for me is accepting that the past cannot be changed - no matter how many time I revisit the situation. It was wrong and it was bad and can't be undone. It is only then that I can move to the next step.

I like what another very wise bishop said to me a few years when I was struggling with something someone had done to me. He said, "stop trying so hard to forgive. It is too soon to forgive. You have been hurt very deeply, and you need to let yourself grieve. Concentrate on healing, and when you have begun to heal, you will find that forgiveness will come." I don't think anybody could ever possibly put it any better than that.

Patty Mueller

That was my experience, Patty Mueller. When I finally found my anger, I didn't even want to forgive, ever, and I didn't turn away from God, either. I got right up in God's face and I wouldn't step down. Eventually, one morning I woke up, and I found that forgiveness had been given as a gift. It forms the foundation of my theology, that experience of forgiveness. I also tell people to wait - wait until the time comes on its own.

Lois Keen, I so agree with you that forgiveness is a gift. Unfortunately it is often treated like an obligation. I think that's what the ABC was trying to get at about early forgiveness. When someone is hurting and angry, the last thing they need to be told is to just forgive. It doesn't make that person able to forgive, it only makes them feel doubly bad. It's like telling them the original harm is no big deal, but the inability to forgive is terrible. It uses the Christian imperative of forginess as a weapon to clobber a person who is already hurting. I don't think we can will ourselves to forgive. It comes when it comes. There are things that those around us can do or say to help bring that about, but telling us just to forgive, like telling someone to just "get over it" is not one of them.