Ann:

Thankfully, neither I nor anyone close to me has been the subject of violence, so I can empathize and I can care, but I do not claim to know what it feels like.

Paul appears to be referring to the Jewish ritual sacrificial system, when the shedding of blood did purify and lead to forgiveness of sins by blood. He goes on to say Jesus removed "sin by the sacrifice of himself" once for all.

I think this refers to forgiveness by God. I think it is far easier for God to forgive than for us to do so.

I would hesitate to say that this language requires a forgiveness by someone who is not ready to or that someone sins by not forgiving when they are not in the right place to do so.

Forgiveness has "its time," I believe. Too early, and there may still be residual resentment and anger. Too late, and it feels incomplete. But I have also learned that in the times I have been victimized, there is just a place where I am indifferent to whether I ever hear the person who wronged me say, "I'm sorry." I came to the place where I doubted it would ever happen in this world, and I simply gave it up. In "giving it up," I believe in that sense, I have forgiven them to a degree. There is just a place where I come to realize it is God's job, not mine, and let it go.

Ann,

I often distinguish between forgiveness and reconciliation.

Jesus demands both. The latter can't happen unilaterally or without the reestablishment of right relationship.

The former can be unilateral. It is about letting the offender go. It can't be rushed, and in some cases will require a lot of work. For some kinds of wounds, I always recommend seeing a therapist.

I tell people that it is not about helping the other person. It is about helping themselves. It is about refusing to let the other person continue to have power over them. This is easier said than done; hence the need for professional help beyond the competency of the average parish priest. The priest does have a real role to play, however, and should not abdicate it.

There's an old saying from AA that a friend of mine likes to quote in this connection: "Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die."

I hope this line of response honors what is important in your post, namely helping wounded persons reclaim their power. I certainly see what you are driving at, and though I would want to hold on to forgiveness as a Gospel imperative, I think we need to be very careful about how we talk about it.
Peace,

Bill

Dear Ann,

"But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." Matt 9:13

Your article caught my eye. I am a daughter of an abusive father. His abusiveness was the result of his own childhood abuses. He is always my father. He passed away twelve years ago, and I love him still.

I was enraged at him. My rage caused a world of trouble, and turned me into an abusive person towards others. I still struggle with it at times.

When I call on the Lord about this, I rail on my father's wrongs against me in the Lord's ears. (The Lord is my Shepherd...He is also my Therapist.) His compassion is great, and only a fellow Christian can understand the manifold comforts of the Holy Spirit.

The Lord's mercy is everlasting; however, I must have mercy or the Lord will withhold His mercy from me. Mercy is by definition given to those who do not deserve it. I am that person, and I am by no means in a position to withhold forgiveness from anyone when I need forgiveness from God and neighbor.

The doctrine of forgiveness, like the real presence in the Eucharist, the bonds of Holy Matrimony, and (most of all) redemption through the final blood sacrifice of Christ, is a mystery of faith. Forgiveness is a work of faith.

Pentecost has come, and only the Holy Spirit can heal us and grant us power to forgive. Forgiveness is a miracle He works in us, and no human ingenuity can make it happen when someone has been that hurt.

Again, God is merciful to those who have mercy. God forgives us as we forgive those who trespass against. Why do we ask for help to become excellent forgivers? Because we trust in the Lord for His forgiveness.

It is a powerful thing to love your enemy. It is powerful to pray for those who hate you, and to bless those who persecute you. The Holy Spirit empowers obedience to God's and performs mighty miracles of reconciliation and hope.

We trust in no other name but Christ Jesus, and His reconciling act of complete and utter obedience to the Father while He was suffering horrible abuses of His crucifixion. "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."

In Love,
Darla Meeks

Ann,

I appreciate your being very careful to make the space for people to work through. We are sometimes too nice and we expect ourselves and others to just presto change and move on without addressing real boundary violations of one's personhood. Forgiveness does not mean not drawing appropriate boundaries, for example. Reconciliation

I am always reminded from Bl. Julian and from Corrie Ten Boom that forgiveness is not first our work, but is already accomplished, is always present to us, and is seeking to work out in us. This more receptive stance places our own hardwork in a more spacious, generous "container." It is, as Bill notes, the sometimes hard work or appropriation of forgiveness to a particular circumstance/situation/hurt that is difficult.

On a practicable note, I have found that sometimes only time and distance does give us the space to begin to forgive. In cases of abuse, it is important to emphasize first being removed from that situation. Too often women and children have been put in untenable spiritual, psychological, emotional, physical spaces that insist upon instant and ongoing forgiveness while being harmed. Those who preach easy forgiveness do harm in such cases. I have also found that meditation can be a powerful way of resting in God which opens way for us to begin to forgive. I must say that Eucharist, confession, and anointing have all been powerful in tandem with therapy.

Great article, Ann! I agree with you that people ought to take time to work through what has happened or continues to happen to them. To complicate matters, the temporality of a trauma in a sense is never simple because the victim was caught by suprise, so in a sense the trauma did not happen or rather continues to happen over and over again, suggesting it can never be understood or made present like a thing.

Too often the institution demands victims forgive it, while failing to fix the oppressive structures that allowed injustice to be done. Forgiveness at least suggests going beyond punitive notions of justice. Certain wounds will never heal because they are metaphors for something that has gone wrong. Wholeness and healing are both metaphors and not to be taken literally. The most that can be done perhaps is to fix things that can be fixed so that similar injustices are less likely to happen in the future.

How can one be sure one has forgiven in any case? Jacques Derrida said that one can never know this for sure and that a forgiveness that would be tied to healing or wholeness would not be forgiveness. Forgiveness
is probably just a word for the unreadability of trauma. Something remains unprocessed, both for ethical and empirical reasons. That remainder remains to be read in the future with the possibility of both constructive outcomes and even further destructive outcomes.

Gary Paul Gilbert

Thanks Gary for your comments and others too - it is subject that is not simple to me - and I think you captured why that is.

Ann,

I was moved by your comments on forgiveness. I would quess that aboout as many people die of child abuse as adults as they might as children. It took me a long time and very hard work to reach a place in my life where I could freely forgive.

Having essentially been told I would be much happier and healthier if I just got over it, I am aware that some parts of the church are not as well educated on what forgiveness may mean for some of us who come from this background.

In the mean time the primary abuser died. We do not have a good way of dealing with that. I did find a prayer, "Pardon for the deceased," in the Scottish Episcopal Church's Revised Funeral Rites 1987.

It sets no time limits for forgiving and acknowledges that some people are unrepentent. Since this is close to reality in some cases. It seems to me to be more helpful spiritually and psychologically. I wish our Prayer Book had something similar. The pressure to forgive can also be abusive.

Thank you for having the courage to approach the issue of remaining "unforgiving." Few have that courage and wisdom.